There are few feeling as painful as that crushing sense of rejection and creeping humiliation when you begin to realize that the girl of your dreams may not actually be attracted to you or into you. And when put head-on with that prospect, many of us choose to deny that obvious, burying our heads in the sand and opting to read every shred of affection or praise she sends our way as counter evidence to the idea that she is actually fading us out. But fact that you are even questioning how to know she is not into you is already a MASSIVE BIG RED FLAG.   

So, if you have even the vaguest sense that the object of your affection is not reciprocating your same feelings, here are the top ten signs she’s not into you – from flaking on plans to direct rejection in words – that will confirm it for sure.

For now, let’s focus on how you can tell she is not into you.

1. She Constantly Flakes on Plans

Not every cancellation of plans means that your crush isn’t into you. Everyone occasionally needs to bail on arrangements because of illness or an absent-minded double booking, and if your crush has asked to rain-check only once or twice, this probably doesn’t spell doom for the relationship. However, if she is constantly flaking on you, especially last minute, this is a pretty strong sign that she’s not into you anymore.

If you really think she might still like you and is genuinely sick or busy, then leave the planning of the next date up to her. If she never suggests another outing with you, that’s a clear sign that she’s not into you, and it’s time to move on.

2. She Keeps Reinforcing that you’re Just Friends

Another way a woman might signal that she’s not interested in dating you is by reinforcing that the relationship is strictly platonic. If she’s constantly stressing that it’s so nice “having you as a friend” or explicitly introducing you as “my friend, [your name],” then she’s trying to tell you something – namely, that you are not her boyfriend and never will be.

Although this can sting, be careful about how you respond to it. It’s important that you don’t throw a tantrum about being put in the “friend zone”: Friendship is, after all, a precious gift, and you should be grateful that she’s offering you that much. Insisting that she owes you anything more than friendship is pure entitlement, and may land you with no relationship with her at all.

3. She Avoids Physical Contact

A key sign that two people are romantically involved is constant touching: Resting hands on each other’s legs, grazing backs of arms or even playfully hitting each other. If your crush isn’t doing any of these things, and if her body language is stiff and unapproachable, then she’s probably showing you subliminally that she’s not interested in you.

This is definitely an area where you don’t want to force things – unwanted physical contact is creepy, invasive and potentially criminal – so leave the ball in her court on this one. If she wants to initiate physical contact she can, but if you’ve been seeing each other a while and she’s not just nervous or awkward, its absence is probably a sign that she’s not into you.

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4. Her Replies to Your Texts Are Blunt and Terse

If you’ve received your 11th “k” or “yup” text in a row from her, chances are she’s not reciprocating your feelings. If she was, the opposite would be true: she’d be constantly updating you on mundane details about her day or idle gossip that barely involves you.

When you’re crushing on someone, you tend to text them incessantly, so if there are tumbleweeds in your messages folder or she’s replying with quick, bare-minimum responses, it’s not a good sign.

“I’d say the #1 way I know a girl is losing interest is her falling out of normal communication patterns: being more terse with texts and calls, being slow or overly quick to respond, or just obviously breaking your established communication flow,” Moses, 42, said. “Also, being un-inquisitive about you and your life and just generally giving off a vibe of ‘I’m not interested in learning about you anymore’ is a giveaway.”

Again, this is a good situation to leave things up to her. If the conversation dies off completely as a result, you know for sure you weren’t her Prince Charming.

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5. She Hasn’t Introduced You to Anyone in Her World

If you and your crush have been “dating” (at least, in your eyes) for weeks or months, but she’s weirdly evasive about letting you meet anyone in her world, she’s probably not quite as committed to the relationship as you are. Introducing a partner to your friends and family is one of the most solid signs of commitment, and if she’s being evasive in this area, it probably means she doesn’t see you as part of her future.

A reluctance to introduce you to friends and family is probably not a fatal sign very early in a relationship, but if you’ve been going steady for a while and it’s not even on the cards – or if she’s reluctant to meet your friends and family — it’s not a good sign. If your worlds aren’t meshing at all, and she’s the one preventing it, then it’s probably time to look for a more committed partner elsewhere.

6. She Avoids You for Days and Responds to You Intermittently

If the communication between you is always patchy and intermittent, it could be because she’s trying to fade you out, but wants to avoid looking heartless by ghosting you completely. If she gives a lukewarm response to every third message of yours, but you otherwise don’t hear from her at all, this could be what’s happening.

This is a difficult situation to deal with, because it’s not as clear-cut as never hearing from her at all, and there’s some plausible deniability she can appeal to here (“What do you mean!? I do text you back!”). Use your gut instincts and, again, leave things in her hands: stop texting her at all, and if she’s interested, she can reestablish the flow of conversation. If she doesn’t, you know the drill.

7. She Never Initiates Meetings between You Two

If your crush is never the one to initiate plans between the two of you, this is a sign that she might not be as invested in the relationship as you are. Think about it: if she was really into you, you’d be one of her go-to people whenever she wanted to visit a gallery or check out a new movie, like she is for you.

You deserve better than a partner who is tepid and unenthusiastic about spending time with you, so cut things off if she’s never initiating plans or avoiding them altogether. It will save her having an awkward conversation with you later about how she likes you, but just not like that.

8. She Gets Weird About or Won’t Commit to Future Plans

Much like meeting friends and family, locking in future plans is a key sign of commitment. If she blanches and changes the subject when you suggest making New Year’s Eve plans six months in advance, it could be a sign that she hasn’t imagined staying with you that long.

Because there are genuine reasons your partner might be reluctant to make long-term plans, such as money worries or concerns about not being able to take time off work, you’re going to have to use your instinct with this one. By asking the right questions and taking stock of how often it happens, you should be able to get a pretty good read on whether an aversion to future plans signals a deeper disinterest. If you see a pattern forming, the relationship is probably dead in the water.

9. She Tells You, Directly and in Words, That She’s Not Interested

This one is about as straightforward as it gets: if she’s told you, in words, that she’s not interested in you, then you don’t need to keep analyzing her behavior or look for signs that maybe she didn’t mean what she said.

Clear rejection like this is a horrible feeling, but there is a silver lining. You don’t need to waste your time trying to mind-read now: she’s let you know straightforwardly that she’s not interested, so you can move on to someone whose feelings are reciprocal this time.

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10. She Lets You Know Indirectly That She’s Not Into you

Sometimes it’s hard for women to be direct with men. Because women are socialized to always be sweet and compliant, saying a straightforward “no” can be difficult, and may even expose them to retaliatory violence.

So, if she’s saying anything along the lines of “I’m not really interested in seeing anyone right now” or “I’m pretty busy with work, which doesn’t leave much time for dating,” she’s telling you, as kindly and indirectly as possible, that she’s not interested in pursuing things with you.

Don’t push her on this or call her out for “lying” if she gets a boyfriend in three weeks or posts vacation pictures on Facebook: She was trying to let you down gently in a way that protected her own safety. Most people tell the odd white lie or two to spare other people’s feelings, so take the hint and move on like a mature adult: You’ll both be better off if you don’t make a fuss or try to probe her on her true feelings.

In the end, it’s ultimately healthier to call off a relationship that’s only limping along with one party’s active involvement, so if you think that’s what’s happening in your situation, do the brave thing and move on. When you eventually meet someone who is as enthusiastic about you as you are them – and you will! – you’ll be glad you didn’t keep wasting your time.

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